Recently I started therapy because, let’s face it, sometimes we need help. I’ve hit the point in my journey where there are things from my past haunting my present. I’ve been avoiding some of those things for nearly three decades, but it’s time to tackle those monsters and put them to bed and move on. I’m still in the early stages and my therapist is still working on getting to know me and gathering a lot of information in the process. This week, she assigned me a self-assessment exercise that consists of ten questions. None of them are easy, but my thought processes ground to a halt when I reached question number four:
What are your strengths, abilities, skills and talents?
As is the case anytime I'm asked this kind of question, my mind went completely blank. And then I got frustrated with myself. Why can I never readily answer this question? Why is it so hard for me to see the good things in myself? One day my husband will tell me I am beautiful and it is all I can do to keep from arguing. Another day a friend will tell me that I’m doing an awesome job with my training and I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying something along the lines of “I could be doing so much better”. And on my really, really bad days my husband or son will say “I love you”, and I have to stop myself from asking why.
When I look in the mirror, I look for what they see and can never quite find it. I suspect this is a tendency my therapist and I will discuss at great length. I need to learn how to see the good in myself before I travel too much further on this journey. I need to shut down the negative inner dialogue that has me doubting the sincere words and praise of my friends and family. I need to believe them.
And most importantly, I need to learn how to believe in myself.
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