I dislike mirrors. When I look into a mirror I’m there long enough to make sure my hair is tidy and my clothes are straight, and then I’m gone. If I linger I start to criticize myself, and the next thing I know I’m feeling terrible and my self-image is all but shattered. I see that I am not a size 10. I see that my complexion is not perfect and that my skin is no longer as firm as it used to be. I see that the clothes I wear don’t fit quite the way I wish they would. When I look in the mirror I rarely see what is *really* there, nor am I able to perceive myself the way others do. I see myself through a filter created by years of media conditioning and my own internal dialogue.
One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced on this journey is disabling that filter. I had to lose nearly 50 pounds before I could even see that I appeared different from when I began my weight loss, and even then it took unexpectedly catching my reflection in a window out of the corner of my eye to really see it. In that moment the visual filter was not in place, and for a second I did not recognize that the thinner person I saw was myself. And even now that I’ve lost 100 pounds, I continue to struggle with my self-image. My friends and family can tell me that I look great, and I will smile and thank them, but in my head I’m disagreeing because I have a hard time seeing myself through their eyes. I found myself looking in the mirror this past week and thinking that I somehow looked bigger than I had three weeks ago, and it simply is not true. I’ve not changed size and all of my clothes still fit...and yet the mirror seemed to tell me otherwise.
This is something that I’m going to have to work on for a long time. I hope that someday I will look into a mirror and not feel the need to look away from my own reflection.
No comments:
Post a Comment