Week 40: Anxiety

Early this morning I realized that I was a day late with my week 40 post.  It didn't take long for my sarcastic inner voice to put in its two cents:

Slacker much?

I think I may have actually given a physical sneer in response.  Yeah, this week I have felt like I wasn't getting much done.  I've been dealing with a job search and all the anxiety (and sometimes apathy) that comes along with it.  I spent a lot of time holed up in my office at home, staring at the wall with a near constant litany of fear and doubts running through my head and a distinct inability to focus on anything else.  

It's extremely difficult for me when I get like this.  Venting is a great way to dispel some of the anxiety, but finding someone I trust to vent at is an entirely different matter.  I've discovered over the years that most people don't understand that when I'm venting anxiety I don't expect them to to fix my problems, or even understand why I'm so anxious.  I just need to get it out, to talk it through out loud.  What I don't need is an eye roll and an admonition to stop being a drama queen, or even worse, reminded that "everyone has problems".  I get that, I really do, but other people's problems do not negate my own, and vice versa.  And the simple fact is, once the anxiety wheel starts spinning in my head, it's almost impossible for me to slow it down unless I talk about what is bothering me.  

So what does this have to do with my fitness journey?  A lot, actually.  This past week I've not been focusing on the journey as much as I would have liked.  The scales mercilessly pointed that fact out to me this morning, and the weight gain has me worrying that I'm once again on that slippery slope that I've been on numerous times before.   I worry that I'm going to gain it all back.  Is this worry logical?  No, and I know that, but ask anyone that suffers from anxiety and they will tell you that there's nothing logical about it.

Fortunately, I do have friends that will listen, and I was able to connect with a couple of them early this morning and talk some of my worries out. It helped a great deal, and I think I am now at a point where I can focus on what needs to be done rather than worry about what may or may not happen.

Week 39: Numbers

So, after a year and two months of step-counting fun with my FitBit, I managed to lose it earlier this week.  I look back on the moment when I realized that it really was gone, and I don’t like to think about the frantic panic that ensued.  It had strong echoes of an addict looking for her lost fix.  I had to force myself to settle down, to breathe, and recognize that it wasn’t the end of the world just because I wouldn’t have an exact count of my steps.  I would still be exercising, and even though there would be no visible record, it would still count.  And after a year of walking the same paths and trails, I have a pretty good idea how many steps I’d be taking, anyway.  

In fact, losing the FitBit might have been a blessing.  My reaction tells me that perhaps I was getting a little too wrapped up in the numbers and losing focus on the journey itself.  A month ago I made the conscious decision to stop militantly counting calories for that very reason, and perhaps the fates decided I needed to take it just one step further.  It will be interesting to see how my daily walks differ, now that I’ll be paying more attention to my surroundings rather than focusing on the numbers.  I’m betting my walks in the park will be a lot more enjoyable.

Now, I’m not saying that I won’t replace the FitBit eventually, because I probably will.  It’s an excellent tool, especially when it comes to motivation.  I’m going to wait a few weeks, though, and give myself time to relearn the importance of enjoying this journey.

Week 38: Change

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein

*****

I've come across this Albert Einstein quote several times in my life, and I ran across it again earlier this week. However, this time it resonated with me in a way it never has before. And the more I thought about this quote, I began to realize that it goes beyond a definition of insanity. It is more about the importance of change. In any area of life things must change if a difference is expected.

And then I found myself thinking about my life before I started down this fitness path, and I realized just how insane it was. Outwardly I really wanted things to be different, but at a deep subconscious level I really wasn't willing to do what needed to be done. I wanted change, but I wasn't willing to make those changes. I would try the same diets over and over again, with the same mindset, and expect the results to be different. You see? Insanity.

Fortunately, somewhere along the way my want turned into will. I've been doing some serious goal setting this week. I've set some long term goals that revolve around several areas of my life. Those major goals gave birth to other short-term goals that will serve as stepping stones along the way. All of them are going to require a great deal of change, both physical and mental. I’m going to have to make further changes in my diet. I’m going to have to change my priorities and reorganize my daily activities accordingly.

And this time I will embrace that change, because it leads to a better place.

Week 37: Frustration

Two weeks ago I finished a 30 day crunch challenge and decided to keep doing those crunches, but at the same time start a 30 day squat challenge.  Squats, I’ve found, are not nearly as easy as crunches.  Two days in and I was REALLY feeling it and tossing around that old “I’ve got muscles I didn't know I had!” cliche.   But I was managing it okay and was taking it slowly and carefully, and the resulting ache in my thighs and calves was that “I've actually been working these muscles” kind of ache, so I counted that as a good thing.

And then Monday afternoon I was doing something as simple as levering myself out of the car when the unthinkable occurred.  I put my right foot down and was lifting myself out of the car when I felt excruciating pain radiate down the inside of my thigh.  I’d pulled a muscle.  Seriously, it was all I could do to not cry in that moment.  I realized that I was going to have to postpone the squat challenge, and that once again I was going to have to seriously cut back on my walking and running for a week or two and give it time to heal.  Not exactly the kind of revelation I wanted after having to take it easy for nearly a month after an ankle sprain.   Lately it feels like I’m taking more steps backwards than forwards on this journey, and that is extremely frustrating.  

Week 36: Dairy

I used to think that there was no life without dairy.  In my head, cheese was a food group unto itself and I had at least two servings a day (and usually a lot more than that).  I mean, everything is better with cheese, right?  And how about a tall glass of cold milk with a cookie?  Or a three egg omelette?  Before I started this journey I was consuming a frightening amount of dairy.  Even after I started counting calories I found that I couldn’t quite let the cheese go.  Granted, I started buying cheeses that were made with 2% milk, but I was still consuming more of it than was probably healthy.  Honestly, the thought of giving up dairy would actually freak me out.  I used to tell people that I’d NEVER be vegan because I just couldn’t give up cheese.

I know now that it wasn’t a matter of couldn’t.  It was more like I wouldn’t.  

Looking back on the past year it amazes me how much my attitude towards dairy has changed.  I find that tofu scrambles are just as tasty as three egg omelettes.  I actually prefer almond milk over dairy milk.  And well, when it comes to cheese, there are plant-based alternatives that I find to be just as tasty as dairy cheese.   It seems there actually is life without dairy.

And suddenly the idea of being vegan isn’t quite so intimidating.  I still have a ways to go on my transition.  Now that I’ve made it a serious goal, I’m beginning to assess everything I eat and reading ingredients in the grocery store.  I’m discovering that dairy is in almost everything in some shape or form!  I’m going to have to give up my toaster waffles and start making my own.  Same with the muffin tops I used to buy.  

And honestly, this isn't a bad thing.  It just means I’ll be eating even less processed foods, and that’s actually a good thing.

Week 35: Diet, Revisited

This past week I was catching up with some folks I’ve not seen in a while and eventually the subject of my weight loss came up.  

“How is that diet thing going?” they asked.

Now, as I explained in a previous post, the word “diet” carries a lot of negative connotations in my world.  “Diet” implies the changes I’ve made are not permanent, and I don’t like that.  Of course, the people in my life that are not very close to me may not know that, so I usually just politely answer that things are going just fine and just leave it at that.  However, this week I just wasn’t able to let it go.

“I’m not on a diet,” I replied.  

Because I’m not.  I’ve changed my diet, yes, but I’m not on a diet.  It’s a distinct difference, and I found myself explaining it to this person in detail. And perhaps I was overreacting, but it’s important to me that people understand the difference.  It’s important to me that people understand these changes are not temporary, that I’m in it for the long haul.  

Why the sudden sensitivity to a question that up until now I’ve politely blown off with polite replies?  Two words: high cholesterol.   The folks providing my family’s health insurance instituted mandatory health screenings for all their adult members, and my cholesterol levels are high.  Suddenly the importance of my dietary changes remaining permanent seem even more so.  In fact, I find myself thinking that there will be one more permanent change in the very near future.  I will most likely be transitioning from mostly vegetarian to vegan within the next couple of months.  Under the circumstances, I think it is the right thing to do, and that I will be better off for it.

Week 34: Mirrors

I dislike mirrors.   When I look into a mirror I’m there long enough to make sure my hair is tidy and my clothes are straight, and then I’m gone.  If I linger I start to criticize myself, and the next thing I know I’m feeling terrible and my self-image is all but shattered.   I see that I am not a size 10.  I see that my complexion is not perfect and that my skin is no longer as firm as it used to be.  I see that the clothes I wear don’t fit quite the way I wish they would.  When I look in the mirror I rarely see what is *really* there, nor am I able to perceive myself the way others do.  I see myself through a filter created by years of media conditioning and my own internal dialogue.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced on this journey is disabling that filter.  I had to lose nearly 50 pounds before I could even see that I appeared different from when I began my weight loss, and even then it took unexpectedly catching my reflection in a window out of the corner of my eye to really see it.  In that moment the visual filter was not in place, and for a second I did not recognize that the thinner person I saw was myself.   And even now that I’ve lost 100 pounds, I continue to struggle with my self-image.  My  friends and family can tell me that I look great, and I will smile and thank them, but in my head I’m disagreeing because I have a hard time seeing myself through their eyes.  I found myself looking in the mirror this past week and thinking that I somehow looked bigger than I had three weeks ago, and it simply is not true.  I’ve not changed size and all of my clothes still fit...and yet the mirror seemed to tell me otherwise.  

This is something that I’m going to have to work on for a long time.  I hope that someday I will look into a mirror and not feel the need to look away from my own reflection.