So, I had another rough week with food. Thankfully, it wasn't nearly as bad as the previous week, but still I struggled. I've been trying to pinpoint why these last two weeks have been so hard. I identified the environmental stressors and am doing what I can to alleviate the stress from those situations, but I still had moments where I found myself having an extra serving of food when I didn't really need it. I ate that food knowing it would take me over my calorie goals and that I would regret it later. So why did I do it? I thought about that a lot this week, and I think I may have finally figured out why I keep sabotaging myself.
I’m only 23 pounds away from reaching my first weight loss goal. That may seem like a lot, but when you consider the fact that I’ve already lost over 100 pounds, in comparison 23 pounds isn't all that much. So I’m close to reaching my first goal, and I think I fear that success. I think I’m afraid I won’t be able to maintain that success, that somehow I’ll screw it up all over again. The negative voice in my head certainly thinks so, and I’ve been fighting hard to keep that voice silent. It hasn't been easy, and every time I go over my calorie goal that voice gets a little louder and more persistent. The louder that voice gets the more anxiety I feel. What will people think if I screw it all up, again? How ashamed will I feel? Why do I keep doing this to myself? The anxiety feeds the fear, and the fear feeds the anxiety, and the next thing I know I’m halfway through a bag of chips and hating myself for it.
That I was able to figure this out at all is a bit of a silver lining. The fact that I was able to logically look at my own behavior and actually figure out where this is all coming from is real progress. I wouldn't have been able to do that in the past. I would have never taken the time to forcibly question that negative inner voice. I would have just believed whatever it told me, and eventually I would have fallen back into my old behaviors. Thankfully, I’m not that person anymore. I’m going to face that fear. I’m going to move beyond it. I’m going to stop sabotaging myself and I will succeed.
Leah, I was wondering- I'm sure you've already encountered plenty of Cognitive-Behavioral techniques to help you on your tremendous journey, but have you considered pulling out one or two basic strategies to help you through difficult times? Having gained insight into what might be getting in your way right now as you near your 1st weight loss goal is a fantastic accomplishment in and of itself. When my clients quitting smoking developed that insight, they often felt both really good, and sometime also a little stuck (I heard a lot of variations on "Great! I get why this is happening... now what do I do about it?") What I'd try to convey then is that it doesn't have to be any more complicated than when you were first starting out-- sometimes, actually, it's really good to go back to basics, using simple tools that are easy to do and check off, to get back into the healthy routine you've set up for yourself.
ReplyDeleteOne of the tools I used with them was HALT! It was a check in they were supposed to do for themselves- which they could either remember, or write down on a piece of paper they carried with them, or even sharpie it on their hand on a bad day. HALT is a check in when you're having an unhealthy craving (for them, cigarettes or drugs/alcohol, for you it might be times when you want to reach for food for reasons other than hunger). HALT says: Stop what you're doing before you continue, and think about why you're doing it-- are you hungry? are you angry? are you lonely? are you tired? These are 4 big triggers for people slipping up with substances, and while it will be different for you, I wonder if it might be a good quick check in to see am I actually in need of food, or are there other things going on here- so you can capitalize on this wonderful insight you've written about.
Cheering you on from the stands!
~Anna